A new year, a new start...same old shit

I don't really know where to start with this entry.

New Year was awful. That goes without saying, really, for those of you who know me. Family issues, missing BiBi and Dad, wishing I could join them etc.

Things sort of picked up in the last week or so. I had the energy to do things like go to the beach and watch the stormy sea at high water. However, today has seen things return to the same old shit.

I have major relationship issues with Paul. He visited his doctor today, and his GP says that his headaches are due to stress. However, he wouldn't take the medication. To give Paul his due, he has just told me that his GP recommended Migralieve, which is cheaper over the counter than on prescription. He was also advised to take more exercise. Now this I can understand. His spare time is spent just watching TV, and maybe going on the 'Net. The number of times I've felt like putting my foot through that fucking TV when I see sport on it AGAIN!!!

We don't have much in common these days. Communication problems are rife, too.

I've removed my engagement ring and left it on a table in the front room, although I don't suppose he'll notice.

Of course, being a typical bloke, he probably wouldn't acknowledge the fact that we do have problems.

I feel unloved. As if I'm only good enough for you-know-what. And I don't know where to go from here.

What is left for me in this life, eh?

Today I was looking at methods of suicide again. The two I've boiled it down to are hypothermia and drowning. I nearly drowned twice as a kid, and I remember after the struggling feeling a strange sense of peace and acceptance. Then I was rescued...fuck it!

I'm giving myself a twenty-four hour distance to see if I still feel the same.

If I do...well, who knows?