Another day...

I am really hitting the bottom of the pit with my depression.

I don't seem to be getting better. My GP says give it longer, and so do other friends who work in the mental health field.

That's if I don't do something silly first.

Last night, for example. I felt so bad I went out in my car by myself in the evening. I told my family not to worry, and that I wasn't going to do anything silly, but by God I felt like it!

It is so tempting to just drive away with a bottle of something alcoholic and my meds, find a quiet place and do the dirty deed.

I have tried this before (in 2001), and actually got as far as the Lake District before taking the stuff (I thought that I might as well die in a beautiful place...nuts, isn't it?).

It isn't fair on my family to go through all of this, so I am doing my best not to. Then the flipside kicks in ...'if I wasn't around, they wouldn't have to worry about me...'

So the battle goes on. I struggle through another shitty day, to survive and endure...another shitty day.

Today I have been thinking about Penny. If you are wondering who Penny is, click on the link to Catster on the last post (BiBi's Last Day) and look her up.

It was no coincidence that I had my first suicide attempt approximately a month after she was killed.

I'm having some problems with Paul lately. Of course, he wouldn't admit to it, but we do have some issues. He really doesn't understand depression, and often makes me feel worse with his attitude. Plus, he walks around with a barely-concealed anger that most probably is due to work, but spills out into his private life. It scares me, this silent brooding. It is like waiting for a volcano to erupt...

To be fair to him, it is difficult to live with a depressive, but he's also got problems with work, in that his employers are double-crossing fuckwits. Just like the last lot. And the lot before that.

He really needs to get out of the traning industry, and they all seem to be alike. The problem is that he is very, very good at his job, and really in demand. It is easier to stay within an industry where you have a good reputation, even when they are a bunch of arseholes.

However, even he is getting fed up. For the last few evenings, he has been looking at other jobs and contacting agencies. Maybe he'll strike lucky and land a better job.

I wonder if I'll still be around to see it?