The Goddess

I had a really horrid start to the day. My Mum was having one of her 'funny' moods...and I don't mean ha ha type funny. It was the usual 'I'm in a shit mood but I'm not telling you why because you should already be able to guess' business. She was a bitch.

No time for breakfast or a cup of tea. If I didn't go out with her (which I guessed was her real motive) my life would be made even more Hell. It didn't matter that I felt like shit and had hardly slept the night before.

Fortunately, I bumped into my sister Susan (those of you on MCHY know her as susiekatkin) as we walked up the street, who took one look at me as I was walking behing Mum down the street and took me back home and made me a cup of tea. She said that I looked awful.

It's not surprising, really, as I had gone to bed the night before fully dressed, intending to drive away in the middle of the night and kill myself. Mum, Paul and Gabs have driven me that depressed. I really couldn't stand any more, and reasoned that death was easily better than this fucking thing that passes as an existence for me.

Sue was an angel. I had arranged to meet my boss this afternoon, as I have been off work sick with depression for just on six months. She accompanied me, and filled in any missing bits (I am very zombie-like a lot of the time now). My boss, Alex, was wonderful and is going to chase up some company sponsored counselling for me, and has said that when I do feel well enough to return to work I can phase my return back i.e. a few hours here and there to begin with. He's also said that if I need to call and have a chat with him, I can do so at any time...and if there are any problems e.g. in getting the counselling arranged to tell him and he'd go and kick butt.

I realise that I am very lucky to have an employer like that.

I came home feeling drained (I hadn't slept much the night before) but one look at Mum's face when I walked into the house said that I should get the hell out of there right now. I couldn't leave Gab there as well, so I took her shopping with me and bought her an extra birthday present.

Gab and I actually had great fun shopping together. It was lovely to have some relatively stress-free quality time with my daughter. I've also noticed that I can handle her better when I am alone with her. If there's another adult around she plays up more.

She's actually a caring child, my daughter. She looks after me, leading me by the hand when I am having an 'Efexxor' moment. She also made me a lovely cup of tea when we came home.

Mum was in her bedroom when we arrived back (thank God!), but when she did get up later she was absolutely fine, acting as if nothing had happened. This is typical behaviour from her. She feel great at the end...and I am a nervous wreck.

Fortunately, she is going to Sue's tonight. WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Paul is nicer to me tonight as well. Last night, I was told not to be so stupid when I informed him that I felt suicidal (he'd asked me how I felt, so I told him!). Paul, Gabs and I had a quick meal out this evening, which was nice, and I ran what I call a 'Goddess Bath' when I came home.

I bet you were wondering where the title of this entry came from, eh?

My Goddess Bath was a cup of sea salt, an assortment of essential oils (rose, geranium, neroli, jasmine and rosewood) and my rose quartz crystals in the bath. I also burned some rose incense in the bathroom, and after shaving and moisturising myself I put on some sexy underwear and set up my Goddess altar as seen in the photo.

Now you could call this my excuse for quiet time. It probably is. But it certainly makes me feel a bit better. I've been feeling so ugly and stupid lately that I felt a Goddess ritual might just help me.

It did. I feel much more womanly now.

I am the sort of person who needs a lot of quiet time each day. A period of stress-free, guilt-free time to myself. My little rituals give me that much needed space.

You can see my rose quartz crystals on the altar (including a kitty rose quartz), a couple of horse chestnuts from the trees by my house, some sea-potatoes (sea urchin cases washed up on Crosby beach), a clear quartz angel, a carnelian kitty, some rhodocrosite pendants, a pair of rose quartz & garnet & rhodocosite earrings, a pair of red coral earrings and of course the remains of my beautiful BiBi in the decorative glass bottle, accopanied by the angel feathers.

After looking at my photo, it also occurs to me that I really need to clean my altar. There's quite a lot of smoke build-up on it...